Getting made redundant from Mad House was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I’d made some wonderful friends, I’d hated every minute of the job. It felt like three years of hell on earth. It’s possible I was the only person in the building inwardly cheering when they made the announcement. Then I got the job at Silver Helm and it seemed like everything had happened for a reason. Then, on 19 Fenruary 2013, something happened that made me question everything.
19 Fenruary 2013
Last night I had a call from Gigi. It turned everything upside down. She and Gail had just been told they are going to be made redundant! There have been a lot of changes in the last few months with the big restructure but, apart from our MD, our office hadn’t been touched by them. We were actually promised by the CEO that our jobs were safe. So much for promises. Now I’m feeling unsettled and worried about my own job, as well as devastated for Gigi and Gail.
Getting made redundant from the Mad House was difficult because I loved my team mates even if I hated the job, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Apart from the worry about getting a new job, I saw it as a good thing, an opportunity. Finally, when I feel I’m back where I want to be, doing a job I like, it feels like someone is tugging at the rug under my feet.
Of course, it was difficult not to let my mind run away. Thoughts were tip tapping along the path of what if. What if this is not the end if it? What if my job is at risk? What if I lose my job? It all felt very much, here we go again and hopeless. Anyone who’s been following my journey, or who knows me in the ‘real world’ will know I’m usually pretty good at seeing the positive side to most things. Somehow I can’t seem to see a positive in this though, just a big black cloud gathering above me. Of course the ‘stuff my face to stop my brain running away with itself’ demon reared its ugly head. Why do we always think of food at times like this? There really was no chocolate in the house though so I contented myself with a cup of coffee, turned my head away from Commando’s biscuit tin and tried not to think about it. If there had been chocolate it might have been a different story.
Emotional eating is a common thread running through the lives of most people who are or have ever been over weight. Conquering it is one of the big keys to getting weight off and keeping it off. It is also one of the hardest things to do. In the main I have learned not to turn to food whenever I feel stressed, unhappy, nervous, down or even just bored. One of my tactics has been to stop before I put something in my mouth and ask myself, am I hungry or am I emotional? If I think I’m hungry I tell myself ten minutes waiting won’t kill me so I wait, often I have a drink while I wait as hunger feelings can be thirst in disguise. If I still want something to eat and I really believe I’m hungry then I have something. Mostly, after ten minutes I realise I don’t and the feeling has passed.
Learning the difference between hunger and emotion is a big part of solving the problem. Once you can recognise the feeling for what it is you have to have a strategy for dealing with it. Some emotions are easier to deal with than others I’ve found. Anger, can usually be fixed by some good old cardio exercise. I’m lucky enough to have a punch bag in my house and a good session punching that soon gets the anger out. Obviously a good old fashioned row with lots of shouting also does the trick but it’s not always possible and lots of people, myself included, really don’t like the confrontation even if the source of the anger is someone you can confront. Boredom can be cured simply by finding something to do, having lots of hobbies and interests to fall back on. The stressy, unhappy, fearful emotions are a bit harder. Distraction is probably the best tactic, finding something to take the mind off of the problem, if the problem isn’t something that can be dealt with head on anyway.
Knowing that everyone has the urge to eat because of emotions and being prepared with things to do, an absorbing book to read, a fun game to play (Wi Fit is awesome for this), a walk to go on, a friend to call and chat with, knitting, sewing, painting, whatever you enjoy, will help nine times out of ten. Also knowing that sometimes you will give in to it, the lure of the chocolate will be too strong, and being able to limit the damage is important. If you don’t accept that and carry on beating yourself up for a little binge it can turn into a big one or totally derail you for days, weeks or even months at a time. On the odd occasions you do succumb you have to draw a line under it and move on.
Last night was the first time for a long time I’ve felt the urge to eat my way through the contents of the fridge, or the biscuit tin (possibly both). This time I managed to deal with it. I posted on the WLR forum and got some lovely supportive replies, had a nice long chat on the phone with Panda (that always leaves me smiling), watched an episode of Biggest Loser to remind me why I shouldn’t eat, then I caught up with some of the blogs I follow. Final score, Marie one, emotional eating nil. This is only one match though and it feels like it’s just the start of the season.
Today, for the first time since I started at Silver Helm I wasn’t looking forward to going to work. I’ve been through this redundancy nightmare before, twice? At Dream Factory there were two rounds of redundancies before my number came up. Uncertainty and fear do not make for a happy atmosphere. There was a thick frost when I left the house and a hint of mist swirling about. On the path down to the river shafts of sunlight played across the mist rolling between the trees, it was an eerie sight. When I turned onto the path by the water there were swans and signets gathered in the shallows where the tiny stream flows down into the Itchen and mist seemed to roll towards me from the tree line on the far side. Further on, approaching the Big Bridge, a lone seagul soared high above the masts of the yachts massed on the bank, behind them The trees almost looked like dark clouds on the horizon. Was this an omen?
The cold had me marching fast, even though I felt like dragging my feet. When I finally walked into the office, rubbing my hands to bring the feeling back, it felt like I’d walked into a church or maybe a library. There were no cheerful greetings, none of the usual chatter. Gail followed me when I went out to the kitchen to make a coffee.
“I’m really going to miss you,” she said and hugged me. I didn’t know what to say except that we would keep in touch. It’s not as if she’s leaving tomorrow, they both have at least another month before their consultation period ends.
Two of the big wigs from Head Office were in with the COO which could have gone some way to explaining the silence. No one wanted to draw attention to themselves. Everyone was worried what was being discussed. After a while Gail was called into the COO’s office. We all looked at each other as if to say ‘what next?’ Turned out they offered her her own job but in the office in Leicestershire. She seemed a bit more cheerful after that, although she doesn’t think she will take the job. It’s a long way from her friends and family.
The big wigs left soon after that and slowly the chit chat returned, although subdued. Alice says she is going to look for another job. She’s the main breadwinner in the family and she’s terrified that she’ll end up without a job. Everyone fears the worst, worried they will be next. It was a real déjà Vu day for me. The COO tried his best to lighten the atmosphere, telling jokes, coming to chat with everyone. It didn’t make us feel better. Only time will do that, if the hammer doesn’t fall between now and then of course.
At lunch time I walked up to town and just wandered about for a bit. Anything to get away from the doom and gloom. The mist had burned off and it was a glorious day. Of course this took me past all the coffee emporia. For once I didn’t cave in, I didn’t even look inside. This may have had something to do with the instant low cal skinny latte sachets I had in my drawer at work but who cares, if it stops me buying coffee it can only be good. Yes, I did have two, one in the morning and one in the afternoon but it was still less calories than a latte from one of the coffee shops, even if they were no where near as nice. Strategy in place for the week then.
The sun had only just begun to set at five thirty as I was preparing to leave work, a big orange ball hanging just above the horizon, the water like a silver ribbon running behind the buildings. How wonderful to be walking home before it got dark. Walking over the New Bridge the clouds turned into layers of golds and oranges deepening to blue where they met the buildings. By the time I reached the green the orange had deepened to red fading through orange to gold then cerulean blue sky. The blue seemed to darken with my every step and, by the time I started my decent of the Little Hill it looked as if there was a fire in the distance under an indigo sky. A good end to a horrible day.
Oddly enough though I’m working harder than I have in a long time I have few urges to eat and often have to make myself eat breakfast.
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Like you, when I’m busy I find it easier to forget about food. Boredom eating is one of my biggest downfalls.
I always make myself eat breakfast on this job. I think I’d be crawling by noon if I didn’t.
🙂