A day of last ever’s – first published 3 August 2012

From the get go Mad House had been my job nightmare. Incessant phone calls, a total lack of control over every little thing, people shouting in my ear, targets I had no hope of hitting and having to sell things I didn’t believe in to people who didn’t want them. Not a lot to like really. Because of the holiday I booked before the redundancy announcement I was leaving a week before everyone else. You’d have thought my last day would be a joyous occasion, filled with laughter. It didn’t quite turn out like that…

3 August 2012

Well, today was a very sad day. If you’d told me six months ago that I’d cry when I left Mad House, I’d have laughed in your face but I did and more than once. The morning didn’t start too well with a bit of a meltdown between Commando and Commando Junior. Situation normal, Commando Junior is SO not a morning person and best left well alone, but it was not what I needed on such an emotionally charged day. I turned up at the office already in a rather delicate state of mind and the first people I saw were Panda and Coconut Boy. Just the sight of them almost set me off and when Coconut Boy said he’d been going to call in sick until he remembered it was my last day the tears started. A cuddle from Panda and I almost couldn’t stop. I had to go to the canteen to get a latte just to calm myself down, then retire to the ladies to fix my face.

The next hurdle was morning huddle, affectionately known as Morning Cuddle in our team, although we don’t actually cuddle each other (well not very often). I was going through some of my old folders, salvaging the plastic wallets while discarding the paperwork and didn’t realise at first that everyone had gathered. Then, when I turned around, not only were my team all there waiting for me, but also my old manager Dancing Queen, who is now a senior manager. At that point I began to get a little worried. When they presented me with a lovely card and started to say how much they would miss me I was off again. At that point I hadn’t even read the card. What am I like?

I spent most of the day practicing my PA skills on The Boss Lady or, as she put it, “being my bitch.” I also deleted everything personal from my computer, all the documents and emails that would never be needed again but were once of great importance. I cleared the balck hole that was my desk too. Funny the things you find in the bottom of your desk drawers after three years.

Obviously there was a ton of paperwork, even in our paperless office there seems to be mountains of the stuff, mostly useless rubbish, Mad House training leaflets, old Quality Assesment forms and the like. There were several tubes of vitamin C tablets, the kind you put in water to make a drink, used to ward off all the office germs, five half finished packets of paracetamol (a staple requirement in The Mad House, believe me), a very well used stress ball, some blu tack, and a pair of Red Or Dead pumps I thought I’d lost forever. I ended up with a very full bin and a very empty desk.

In fact, all that remains now is a carrier bag with a selection of teddies belonging to Hagrid, the black toothed, wild haired colleague who has been off sick with stress more or less since the redundancy was announced. Oh and there was also a little photo of her inexplicably small and pretty girlfriend. In case you’re wondering she’s called Hagrid because she is the spitting image of the Harry Potter character, except for the beard and the black teeth. She also only wears black. Before any of you accuse me of being really bitchy here I have to say that I actually quite like her, she used to get a lift home with me, and I’m sure she’d be the first to agree with my description.

In the melee this morning I left my lunch at home which was disappointing. I’d been looking forward to that leftover slice of feta and pancetta quiche. This led to an unfortunate lunch time choice of Chips from the canteen. My last Mad House chips ever. They smelt delicious, sadly they tasted rubbish. Half of them went into the bin. To counterbalance the bad choice, I also had one of the chef’s special fruit pots, again, my last ever. I wonder if he’ll carry on making them now I’ve gone? As I was leaving the canteen, Peachy called over to me, “Going to miss you. have a nice…” at this point she realised she didn’t have an ending for her sentence. The usual, holiday/weekend/day off that trips off the tongue so well and had been in her mind when she started was obviously not appropriate and she looked puzzled for a moment or two. Eventually she finished with, “life.” At least our laughing stopped me crying.

When Panda left for the day there was no stopping the crying though. Panda, Rae and the Boss Lady, have all been with me since my very first day. They were all part of my team when I joined and, although times have changed and Rae is now the best concierge in the history of the universe and Boss Lady is now my manager, we have been firm friends since they took me under their collective wings on that initial day.

We’ve laughed together, cried together, partied together and lived through the roller coaster ride that is working at Mad House. I love my team, but those girls are more than my team, they’re like my sisters. Panda and I clung together for a while, until she told me, in true Panda fashion (cuddly on the outside but with the heart of a cold hard killer who’ll rip you to shreds if you cross her), “Don’t be so bloody stupid. It’s not as if we’ll never see each other again. I’ll be round your house when you come back from holiday.”

Eventually The Boss Lady ran out of things for me to do so she loaned me out to Rae to be her PA for the rest of the afternoon. This was a good move on the exercise front as Rae sent me on a tour of the building to check all the health and safety boards were up to date. I could have taken the lift but chose instead to walk up and down the stairs, from floor twelve at the top of the building right down to the bottom and back up again, with a few extra ups and downs along the way. I was quite proud of myself, if a little red in the face and out of breath.

The day sped by and all too soon it was time to add my out of office message for the last time, send one final email to my team to put a smile on their faces on Monday morning, and say my last goodbyes. We had a real team cuddle and all went down in the lift together for one last time. My last look at the building was also of The Boss Lady walking to her car. I’ll admit to another tear at that point.